


Heartache

by rosegolddan



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Break Up, F/M, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, Jealousy, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-09
Updated: 2017-07-09
Packaged: 2018-11-30 00:39:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11452383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosegolddan/pseuds/rosegolddan
Summary: Phil watches Dan fall in and out of love with another person and it's tearing him apart.





	Heartache

**Author's Note:**

> find me on tumblr: pretentiousdan

Phil was watching his best friend fall in love. He was glad that Dan found this girl to be with but it hurt. It hurt because Phil knew that it should have been him. He should have said something when he first saw Dan in person at the train station in Manchester. He should have said something when Dan went to university. He should have said something when they were living together for the first time and Dan was dropping out of school. He should have said something when they moved to London and when they went on tour and when they moved again to a larger apartment. Phil knew that he should have told Dan everything, but he was too scared to.

And now, it was hurting him. This girl, Isabel, was perfect for Dan. She was funny and sarcastic, with long brown hair and sparkling blue eyes. They got along perfectly, and Phil honestly couldn’t find anything wrong with her. He knew that he had to support Dan’s choice to be with her, because, what else could a friend do? He pretended to be excited when they went on dates and he did his best to be friendly whenever she was over. Even though it pained him, he wanted Dan to be happy.

Tonight was another date night and Phil was left alone in the house, playing some Final Fantasy. He didn’t mind the quiet but eventually, it got to be too much. He missed having Dan sitting next to him, scrolling on Tumblr. Even if it was quiet, he missed having Dan’s presence next to him. Phil paused the game, set down the controller, and laid back on the couch. He turned to look at the sofa crease next to him, wishing that the man he secretly loved was sitting there. Before he knew it, Phil was drifting off to sleep.

A loud bang woke Phil up, disorienting him. “Shit, shit, shit, shit”, he heard a voice whisper from the kitchen. Phil called out “Dan, are you okay?” his voice riddled with sleep. He pulled himself off the couch to walk towards Dan.

“Yeah, I’m fine Phil, don’t worry,” Dan responded, “just dropped a glass while trying to pour some water.” Phil found him kneeling on the tile, picking up the larger shards of glass.

“How did your date go then?” Phil asked, leaning against the counter. He honestly didn’t want to hear the answer but he knew Dan would want to talk about it.

“Oh, it was incredible, Phil. We went to this cute Italian restaurant and then walked around a park, just talking for ages. She’s really great, Phil.”

“Are you happy, then, Dan?”

“Extremely.”

“Well, that’s good. I’m gonna head to bed so I’ll see you in the morning,” Phil said, yawning.

“Technically it’s morning now but see you in the morning,” Dan replied with a smile on his face. Phil turned out of the room, smiling as well.  _ At least he’s happy _ , Phil thought as he shut the door to his room. All he truly wanted at this point was for Dan to crawl into bed with him.

Days and months pass, with Dan happily with Isabel. Each day, Phil watched as Dan smiled at his phone, glowing with love and adoration.  _ I miss being the only person who could do that _ , he thought. Nothing completely changed, they still went about making gaming videos and attending conventions together. Dan even joined the Lester family for vacation again. But something was different this time. Now, Dan was consistently on his phone, texting Isabel. Their nights now included calls to Isabel or Skype sessions when they were away. Phil felt his heart twist each time Dan left the room for these calls.

Eventually, they started seeing each other less often. It became more common for Dan to sleep at Isabel’s apartment and for Phil to be utterly alone. The only time Phil really saw Dan was when they filmed gaming videos together and the rare occasion that Dan wasn’t with Isabel. Phil had started to resign himself to silence, only speaking when necessary. Phil didn’t even know if Dan noticed the change in his personality. He tried to force himself to go out with a friend, like Hazel or Louise, but he just couldn’t. All he wanted was his friend back with him.

Phil started to give up hope. He was at the point where he thought Dan was going to move in with Isabel, leaving him alone forever. Phil started to look at some smaller apartments because he knew he couldn’t live in this one alone. This apartment surrounded him in memories of Dan, seeing all of their shared things lining the shelves around the place. If he wanted to move on, he would have to leave. But he just couldn’t. He couldn’t leave Dan unless he knew that they would have to part ways. This thought continued to nag him into his sleep.

Phil jolted up at the sound of a door slamming.  _ Is Dan home or is it a really clumsy murderer _ , Phil thought. He decided to take his chances and investigate the noise. Creeping down the hallway, he noticed that the kitchen light was on and there were rummaging sounds coming from it. Phil peered into the room, surprised to find Dan there. “Dan,” Phil asked, “what are you doing?”

Dan practically jumped ten feet into the air. “Jesus fucking Christ, Phil! You scared the shit out of me,” he shrieked. He was holding a bottle of wine in his hand and he had bloodshot eyes that marked his past tears.

“Dan, what happened?” Phil asked quietly. He knew that Dan didn’t really drink wine unless he was desperate for some release that alcohol could give him. He was even more worried because he knew Dan was supposed to be with Isabel for the night.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Dan mumbled, taking a drink from the bottle. He tried to leave the kitchen but Phil grabbed his wrist.

“Dan, I know something’s wrong. Please, just tell me.”

“You really want to know, Phil? Isabel broke up with me. She said she wasn’t happy anymore and she didn’t want to be with me. She broke my heart, Phil. Are you happy now?”

Phil stood there silently, taking in this information. His heart began to swell, knowing that he finally had a new opportunity to tell Dan how he felt. But then he realized, Dan needed time to get over this. He couldn’t just confess his love now, it wouldn’t be right.

“I’m sorry, Dan. I know how much she meant to you. Is there anything I can do?”

“If you can magically make her come back, that’d be wonderful,” Dan spat back.

“Well I can’t do that, but I can make you a cup of tea. Would that be okay?”

Dan shrugged. “Sure, I guess. I’m gonna go to my room.”

“Okay, I’ll bring you your cup when it’s ready,” Phil said as Dan sulked out of the room. Phil then went about making some tea, practically on autopilot. He didn’t want to feel good about Dan’s relationship ending but he had never felt more relieved about something ending. He knew, however, that he had to help Dan through this. He finished making the tea and, carefully, brought the cup to Dan’s room.

All Phil saw was Dan’s long form curled into a fetal position on his bed, the amber lamp radiating light around the room. Dan’s eyes were glued to his phone, scrolling endlessly through text after text from Isabel. He was holding back tears, threatening to dampen the pillowcase beneath his head. If everything wasn’t wrapped in a cloud of sorrow, Phil would have thought that he was the most beautiful person in the world. Phil slowly walked over to Dan’s bedside table, setting the cup of tea down. “Here’s your tea. I’ll see you in the morning,” Phil said softly. He turned to make his way out of the room when he heard Dan whisper something.

“Stay.”

Phil turned around to look at Dan. “What’d you say?”

“I said, stay. Please, Phil. I don’t want to be alone,” he said, looking up at Phil.

“Oh okay,” Phil replied, sliding onto the bed as Dan turned to grab his mug of tea. Phil sat there quietly, not knowing if he should say anything or not. He kept glancing at Dan, looking for any indication that he should but saw nothing. He still couldn’t believe that this was happening again, that he was watching his best friend reach rock bottom. The last time this happened was when he dropped out of university. Even then, Phil struggled with what to say.

Phil was caught up in his head until he heard Dan speak. “I just want her back,” he said solemnly.

“I know, Dan. I know,” Phil responded.

“This is going to be my university break down all over again, isn’t it?”

“I don’t know. But we can try to keep it away from that, yeah?”

“I guess so,” Dan said, placing the mug of tea back down. He rolled onto his side, facing away from Phil. “But right now, I think I just want to sleep.”  
“Okay. Goodnight Dan. I’ll be right beside you if you need me,” Phil said quietly.

“Okay. Thank you, Phil. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

Phil contemplated a response but decided to just let Dan sleep. They could talk more in the morning. He rolled over onto his side, his back to Dan. His mind was racing, thinking about how this was the first time they had shared a bed outside of necessity in years. But eventually, exhaustion set in and he drifted into sleep.

 

\------

 

Phil awoke to Dan’s face incredibly close to his. He startled a bit but eventually caught himself staring. Dan’s lips were slightly parted and a beautiful rose color. Phil could see where Dan chewed at his lips during times of anxiety, standing out as darker blotches. His cheeks were dotted with freckles and Phil could almost imagine tracing constellations into them. Dan’s eyes were still shut, his long eyelashes fanning out onto his cheeks. Phil adored Dan’s eyes, their deep brown felt like comfort and warmth. Dan’s hair was a complete mess, curls unruly on the top of his head. Phil was glad that Dan liked his natural hair because he always thought it was beautiful.  _ He’s the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen _ , Phil thought.

He tore himself away from Dan and pulled himself out of bed.  _ The best thing I could do right now is making some good breakfast for him _ , he decided, slipping out of Dan’s room. He padded down to the kitchen and turned on the kettle. He grabbed some bread and put it into the toaster. Phil grabbed a mug out of the cabinet, the NASA mug that Dan had valiantly offered to share with Phil after his broke. He dropped a teabag into the mug and placed it on the counter, turning to lean against the surface to wait for the kettle to boil.  _ I should tell him everything _ , he thought, furrowing his brow.  _ But not yet _ .

The pop of the toaster pulled Phil from his thoughts. He moved around the kitchen as he prepared the toast with butter and jam. He grabbed the kettle and poured the water over the teabag and let it sit. It was an herbal tea that Dan enjoyed immensely so Phil didn’t put anything into it. He grabbed the mug and the plate and quietly made his way back to Dan’s room. He pushed the door open quietly and found Dan still asleep. Phil tiptoed over to the bedside table next to the sleeping man and quietly placed the mug and plate down. He reached out his hand to gently shake Dan.

“Wake up Dan. I made you some breakfast,” Phil said quietly. Dan’s eyes blinked open, adjusting to the low light of morning. He squinted and stretched, his stomach peeking out from the bottom of his shirt.

“You made me breakfast?” Dan asked, his voice gravelly with sleep.

“Yeah, I thought you’d want to not make anything,” Phil said, handing him the plate.  
“Oh, and it’s room service too? You spoil me,” Dan replied while sitting up.

“Yeah, I really do,” he said, returning to the other side of Dan’s bed.  _ Where I actually slept _ , Phil thought.  _ Why did he let me sleep here? _

“Phil? Are you listening?”

“Huh, sorry?” Phil said looking at Dan.

“I asked if you wanted to just have a pajama day today and not worry about work or business or anything like that.”

“Of course Dan! Any excuse to not do work is fine by me,” Phil said with a smile.

“Alright, sounds good,” Dan said, returning the smile. The two remained in a comfortable silence as Dan ate. Eventually, Phil got up to make himself some food, his stomach grumbling in protest. While he ate his bowl of cereal, he contemplated what he should do next.  _ I really should tell Dan how I feel _ , he thought,  _ he deserves to know. He can decide what to feel and it won't hurt me _ . 

The rest of the day passed with minimal incident. The two of them watched some anime and played rounds upon rounds of Mario Kart, with Dan getting increasingly more frustrated each time someone beat him. Phil giggled at his flatmate’s rage, finding the way that Dan’s nose crinkled up when he seethed to be cute. Everything seemed like it was normal. It wasn't until later when they were wrapped up in blankets watching “Inception” when Phil started to notice that something was off. Dan seemed terribly distracted by something. He kept picking up his phone and looking at it, sighing, and then dropping it again; it seemed like he was waiting for something. Phil caught him staring off into space constantly as well, not really focused on the movie.

“I miss her,” Dan whispered, as the credits rolled on the screen.

“What was that, Dan?” Phil questioned, not expecting the younger man to speak.

“I said, I miss her,” he said, “why hasn't she talked to me?”

“Why would she do that?”

“Because she probably knows how much she hurt me and she'd try to comfort me, right?” Tears began to well up in Dan’s eyes. Phil leaned himself closer to Dan.

“You guys both need some time to collect yourselves first. She’ll talk to you when she’s ready.”

“But I loved her, Phil. If she loved me as much as I loved her, why would she ever leave?” Dan leaned his head into Phil’s chest. Instinctively, Phil brought his hand up into Dan’s curly hair, slowly petting at it. He realized how much he loved Dan’s natural hair, not believing that Dan used to hate it; he looked incredibly beautiful with it. “She meant everything to me,” he whispered.

“Dan, I know you aren’t going to like this but I’m gonna be honest,” Phil said. “You need to get over her. These kinds of things happen and you just need to move on.”

“But I just can’t, Phil! She was perfect in every way,” Dan exclaimed. They sat there for a while in silence until Phil realized he could feel wetness dripping onto his shirt; it was Dan’s tears. Phil removed his hand from Dan’s head and brought it to his chin, lifting it up to look at him. His chocolate eyes stared up, watery with salty tears and an invisible pain. A single tear escaped and began to roll down his cheek. Phil didn’t hesitate as he reached his thumb up and brushed it away. As he removed his thumb, he noticed a change in Dan’s facial expression. It wasn’t a look of hurt anymore; it was a look of confusion.

“What the fuck, Phil?” Dan said, a mix of anger and uncertainty tinged in his voice.

“I’m so sorry, Dan,” he rushed to apologize, “I didn’t realize what I was doing!”

“Why would you do that? Do you know how that makes me feel?” Dan was recoiling to the further side of the couch, his voice getting louder. Phil started to open his mouth to apologize again when Dan bolted up from the couch. “I’m just going to go to bed, goodnight,” he said, swiftly exiting the room. Phil heard the very poignant sound of a door being closed with force. He sat in a stunned silence, not knowing what changed between him and Dan.  _ Wait a second _ , Phil thought,  _ what did he mean by ‘how it makes him feel’ _ ? He pulled himself off of the couch and turned everything off with this heavy thought stuck in the back of his mind. He stared at Dan’s room as he walked by, thinking about knocking. He decided against it, letting Dan take his time to figure himself out. Phil tucked himself into bed and realized that he missed the weight of another person behind him as he slept.

 

\--------

 

Weeks passed without much incident. Both men filmed and uploaded videos. They put out some gaming videos which had gotten a very positive response. Overall, things seemed okay. Some people online began to pick up on the fact that something had changed between them but they couldn’t figure out why. They both chose to ignore these comments and continue on, even though they knew what they were doing. Slowly, they had started to maintain more of a distance from each other. There were no longer those lingering touches between them or leaning onto the other while watching television. Phil missed being close to Dan; he needed to figure out what Dan was feeling.

Phil was pretty sure Dan was over Isabel. The two of them had met up a week ago to truly discuss what went wrong and split off things amicably. Dan had returned from that meeting seeming much lighter than before as if the weight of unsaid things had been lifted off of his shoulder.  _ So then why is he still being so closed off to me _ , Phil questioned. He realized that he needed to figure this out as soon as possible.  _ I just miss having my best friend _ , he thought.

The day had gone reasonably well with the two of them and they decided to order some Thai food and catch up on “Attack on Titan” together. They silently ate their food, completely engrossed by the characters on screen. Neither of them noticed that they had started to slide closer and closer together on the couch, something they hadn’t done for a while. When they had finished watching the episodes they needed to catch up on, Dan went into a huge rant about what could have been done better and the leaps in logic that the show took. Phil reminded him that it’s an anime and that anything is possible, which quickly stopped Dan from going further. They sat in a comfortable silence for a while, each of them focused on scrolling through their phones. Phil realized this was as good a time as any to say something.

“Hey, Dan?”

“What Phil?” Dan looked up from his phone, an eyebrow raised in question.

“Is everything okay between us? I’ve just noticed a change ever since you stopped seeing Isabel,” Phil said, softly. He didn’t want to bring up bad memories but it was necessary.

“What do you mean, Phil? I’m fine. We’re fine,” Dan said, starting slide a bit further away from Phil.

“You just seem so much more distant and closed off from me. You haven’t been like this in ages and it was starting to worry me.”

“Why are you so concerned about me, Phil? I’m fine!”

“Because I’m in love with you, you idiot!” 

Dan sat there, wide-eyed, at this admission. He seemed completely speechless. Phil sighed, knowing that he had to say everything now.

“Ever since we met, Dan, I’ve wanted to tell you. But I was scared that I was too old for you or that you would never see me the same way as I saw you. But through everything, I’ve been in love with you.

“When you first moved to Manchester, I remember feeling so happy because you were finally near me and not hours away. Then you moved in with me and I thought maybe I had a chance. But then life caught us both by surprise and hurtled us into fame and I knew that I couldn’t ruin that with a relationship. Then we moved to London and I thought that I was the luckiest man on earth because I got to make things with you and smile at all of your successes. I got to tour around the world with my best friend and see him smile out at the thousands of people who helped shape who we are today.

“And then you found Isabel and I felt my heart get crushed. I was still happy for you though because you deserve to be happy, Dan. I could see how happy she made you and how she seemed to complete you. But, I would give you everything if I could. I fell so hard for you and never said anything because I was scared of what would happen. I didn’t want you to leave me because I don’t know what I would do without you.” Phil paused for a moment, with his head bowed towards his lap. “You have every right to be mad at me for saying all of this, I understand.”

Suddenly, Dan threw his arms around Phil, practically sitting in the older man’s lap. Phil felt his heart soar.  _ He isn’t mad at me _ , he thought. He had never felt so much relief before.

“I feel the same way,” Dan said softly as his head was still buried into Phil’s shoulder.

“Wait, what?” Phil was shocked by this revelation. Dan sat back, keeping his hand resting on Phil’s leg.

“Ever since I first saw you online, I fell for you. But then I felt like it would never happen and I stopped myself from believing it. I chose to try and move on from you. That’s why Isabel made me so happy, she helped me get over you. But then that one night, where you cared for me at my lowest point, I knew I was still in love with you and I didn’t know how to cope with it. So, I tried to distance myself again but obviously, it didn’t work. But I’m glad it didn’t,” Dan said, a small smile appearing.

Phil grabbed Dan’s hand, intertwining their fingers. “I would love to be your boyfriend if you agree to it of course,” he said, rubbing his thumb back and forth across Dan’s hand.

“Of course, you idiot! What else could I say to that?”

“I mean, you could have said ‘absolutely not’,” Phil responded with a smile.

“Yeah, I could have. But that would mean that I wouldn’t really be able to do this”, Dan replied, leaning forward to kiss Phil. Dan’s lips were slightly chapped but the amount of love was clear in the kiss. Their lips fit together perfectly as if it was meant to be. Finally, Phil could have his best friend and be in love with him, too.


End file.
